so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Randomize
