I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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