I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
