You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
