I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
