Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
