I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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