They should really pass out barf bags in church
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
