that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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