so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
