So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Someone shattered a urinal.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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