dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
