I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize
