3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
