the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
