I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
