I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
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