Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
