I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
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