I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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