i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
