i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
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