I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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