and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
