yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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