I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
