Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
