Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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