??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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