Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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