gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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