I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
