dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
