I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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