I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
