chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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