There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
