You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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