Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
