Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
