Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
