need another drink. this is the easiest way
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
