So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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