It's chlamydia! Thank God!
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
