there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
