i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
