I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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