dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
