is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
