You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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